Celebrating Pride: A Letter to My Past Self
Mark Yabut
Dear Mark,
You are probably not happy right now. And that’s okay.
You won’t find happiness for a while, at least not the type of happiness that truly fulfills you. You are going to be happy in moments and I hope you enjoy those moments because those moments of joy are what will keep you going for a while. Those moments of joy are what will let you go through a journey of self-discovery and self-understanding as you navigate a life that you don’t have control of in its early stages.
You may be wondering, “will I ever truly be myself?”
I’m sorry, but I don’t have an answer for you yet because I’m still going through that journey, 27 years later. I am still hanging on - so, please… continue to hang on. Your strength is much stronger than you believe it to be. The conflicts inside of you are conflicts that are valid and don’t let other people tell you otherwise that they are not. I know it is not easy to grow up in a family that fears the beauty of your queerness, that fears living authentically in a society in which you are created to be rejected, to be condemned, to be silenced. Your life of being silenced for being queer, for being Filipinx, for being an immigrant is what will give you a loud voice. You will discover that your voice is powerful, that it not only moves mountains; it creates new mountains that allow others to climb. You are a beautiful flower that just needed water to bloom loudly and colorfully to show what adversity, loneliness, and fear can turn into: growth. You will find that your queerness is what gives you strength and power. You will find that your Asianness is what gives you a sense of understanding. You will find that your fears are what give you bravery and courage.
I want to make sure I tell you this directly: I love you.
I love you even when you are struggling to accept yourself because you grew up in a culture that inherently gaslights your mere existence. I love you even when you have failed over and over on the things that you thought you needed to achieve and win in order to make others happy and to conceal your queer identity by seeing you “succeed.” I love you even when you don’t love yourself right now. There will always be someone who will love you and that is yourself. You will spend the next years of your life longing for the love of others and this will only make things difficult for you. But you will surpass that and finally find and learn how to care for yourself; how to care for yourself even in its stages that your younger self would have not been proud of or accepted. And that is the beauty of the journey. You will find how fulfilling it is to have found self-love and how that self-love is honoring your past, being in peace of your present, and leaping with excitement for your future. Hang in there. Agyu mu yan.
With true love,
Mark
Mark Yabut is an anti-racist and anti-bias innovative edupreneur who enjoys bringing laughter and lightheartedness to spaces he enters. He has over five years of experience in education ranging from teaching, coaching, consulting, and designing curriculum. Mark holds multiple degrees in Business and Education, which drives his passion in being a transformational leader in the space of education.